Mmmyyyeelllowwwsss againsss!!
I am officially on my fourth-to-last shift at AYC, and it's not even registering in my brain. I've basically been doing this all around the house...
Aaaaand I'm stressing about my new job and what it will actually be....so yeah lots of changes in the employment section of my life. Which apparently I stress out about more than anything. I thought I was a pretty chill, easy-going person! But my nerves might be on the verge of exploding between that and watching Downton Abbey. I'm in the middle of the second season and I can't handle the emotions!! (Or really lack there of. British shows, you know).
But anyway! I have some more thoughts that I wanted to share. I reeaaallllyyyy hope my posts don't come off as preachy or annoying or something. Because that's totally not my intention. I don't know if people really agree, or even care that much, but whatever. They're just my thoughts and I can't keep them cooped up in my brain for too long without them driving me crazy. So please know that I write them with extreme sincerity and regard for other people's thoughts and opinions. Geez that was quite the caution. It's not like what I have to say is that controversial. But anyway.
So I've been thinking lately about my faith. I know, sorry, I write about it a lot. I guess I’m 22 and it’s the time of your life where you get to decide what you believe and what you want out of your life. And to, you know, go to college and decide what your passion is and figure out if you can make money from it. And try to find a boyfriend and, if you want to, marry him if he’s cool enough. You know, all at the same time. No biggie.
But anyway. I've just been thinking about the church and people I love who leave the church. I have recently been struggling with my thoughts about it. I felt very deflated about my own beliefs. I would hear the criticisms and experiences of friends and family, and just criticism about religion in general online, and even though I completely understood where people were coming from, or at least tried really hard to, it seemed to diminish my confidence in my beliefs. There was only so much I could hear without feeling just...deflated. That’s the perfect word I can think of to describe it. It was a combination of genuine concern for my friends and family and their happiness, and the fear of questioning my own beliefs. It was very unsettling.
And don’t get me wrong! I absolutely LOVE talking to people about the church and just beliefs in general. It gives me extreme joy if people feel like they can trust me enough to talk about things like that, because they are so personal and can be very tender and raw sometimes. I think it can be very helpful to talk about it because, in my opinion, it helps you sort out your thoughts and opinions about things and hopefully allows you to eventually feel peace about it. And I love it when I feel like I can be a safe source of support, especially if it has caused someone a lot of pain.
But after a while I just kind of sat down and thought to myself - ok, well what do I actually believe? I have always felt a strong connection with God and Jesus Christ and I strongly believe that they exist and that they love me and everyone on Earth more than we can ever comprehend. They have been a source of strength in my life. I feel as I grow closer to them, my soul is stirred and my thoughts are stimulated and I feel great peace in my life. And it makes me very, very happy.
So one night I was just lying in bed and I had a mental conversation with God. I basically went through a list of things in the church and decided if I really believed in them and asked for some sort of confirmation feeling, or just something like “Yup, you’re right” or “You’re doing great”. I’ll spare you the details of my long list, but basically it ended up with me believing enough to know that the church is a good thing in my life and I am meant to be in it. I believe it will help me be the best person I can be and it will help me love and serve those around me. (Does that sound hippy-ish? That’s probably good. I’ve always kind of liked the hippies).
I don’t feel like I have to provide a long, detailed, legal document in defense of my church and my beliefs, because I’m not here to try to convince anyone to join it. I honestly think the church can work well in a lot of people’s lives and bring them happiness. I think, generally, a relationship with God brings a lot of happiness and peace to people’s lives. But I also FIRMLY believe that the church is NOT suited for everyone. I don’t think it’s meant to be for every human on Earth to go to a Mormon church every Sunday and believe and do everything that Mormons do. I don’t think that’s what God has planned for everyone. It’s not realistic. And, frankly, it sounds ridiculously creepy. Like a lot.
What I’m basically saying is, that I think it’s important to think about these things. I know people might not agree with anything I have just written up there and I just want to say - that there’s nothing wrong with that. I simply wanted to share what I believe and what I’ve come up with from my experiences in my life. And just express with the most sincerity my heart can muster, that I hope each person finds their own peace and happiness in their lives. (Hippie thoughts again!) Because, honestly, I believe that is what God, (or whoever you may believe in, or not believe in), wants for every person on this Earth. (God’s a hippie, I just know it).
And just one last thing I wanted to share - I was talking to Mom about all of this, and we were expressing our different opinions and feelings about things - all good things, don’t worry. But she shared with me that one night she was praying, and just kind of said to God that above all she loved her kids and family and no matter what they believed, she just wanted to be with them in the next life. And she said that she turned to her scriptures after that and one scripture that she read kind of hit her - which she said doesn’t ever happen to her like some people say it does - It was Luke 11:11-13.
“If a son shall ask bread of any of you that is a father, will he give him a stone? Or if he ask a fish, will he for a fish give him a serpent?...If ye then know how to give good gifts unto your children: how much more shall your Heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to them that ask him?”
And basically she said that she had an overwhelming peaceful response that was just kind of like, “Duh, of course! Do you think I would deny you such a request?”
I don’t know, that makes me feel good. And makes me think that everything’s going to be ok.
Overall, I love my friends and family. I love my God and Savior Jesus Christ. And my most sincere request to Him is that we all find that peace in our lives and just continue to live them and just make the world a better place.
Basically, let’s all become hippies.
Who’s got the pot? And I'm going to stop shaving my legs. Hope that's cool.
Right on.
